Patience is a Virtue
by BensonFan031015
Summary: Rolivia - A chance encounter means that Olivia finds out Amanda is Bisexual, and worries that the job has put her off men. Amanda assures her this isn't the case, and Olivia can't work out why she is so bothered by Amanda's sexuality. Their friendship deepens, but will someone from Livs past come between them? This is set between S16 & S17 when both are single.
1. Chapter 1

Olivia Benson couldn't help but tease her companion playfully;

 _"Of all the bars in New York you really want to spend your one night in town in this neighbourhood?'"_

Dr George Huang gave her a cheeky smile but his retort was earnest.

" _my good detective, Oklahoma city has enough beer dives, and even its fair share of pretentious cocktail bars if you know the right neighbourhood… but the thing I miss most about New York is the cheesy, classic gay bar"_

Olivia shook her head.

 _"well, I know better than to argue with you."_

She was enjoying the company of an old friend. It was funny to think back to when George was a contentious newcomer to the SVU department. With how much change had happened in the department in the last few years whenever he visited New York their brief catchups were a warm, sweet breeze from easier days. Not that things had ever been easy, but it was funny how the longer you lived the more complicated life got.

They had been out for dinner with a few of the old gang, but everyone had somewhere to be so in the end it was only Olivia that George had been able to coax out for a nightcap. Never one to be particularly camp or flamboyant when he lived in New York, Olivia was amused by how much a stint in smaller city had made him appreciate the gay scene. They were wandering down to an old haunt of his so he could 'spend an hour feeling normal again'. Olivia knew that beneath his trademark sarcastic humour he was feeling the weight of his multiple minority identities in a different way in Oklahoma.

 _"oh no!_ " George stopped and exclaimed as they rounded the corner to the specific Bar that he'd had in mind. _"it's ladies night!"_ He shook his head. _"Leave town for 5 minutes and everything changes"_

They surveyed the brash posters declaring Wednesdays to be 'Lemon' night, with a scantily clad female model holding a discounted tequila shot.

 _"Well, unless there is something you're not telling me detective, looks like we're heading back to the Glitterbox, Sorry for the detour!"_

Olivia laughed. " _Glitterbox it is!_ "

She was just about to spin around to follow Huang when something made her stop. in the gaggle of women outside the bar smoking and talking she spotted what looked like a familiar blonde head.

 _"Olivia?"_

Huang called her name, he'd walked half a dozen paces on before he had realised she wasn't following.

 _"Hey George"_ she paused. _"does that look like Rollins to you?_ "

...

Amanda Rollins settled on her bar stool, sighing audibly.

The bartender shook his head at her. _"honey, you better loose that heavy attitude, or you ain't gettin' no snatch tonight. My cousin Larry looks like more fun than you, and he's an undertaker from Ohio."_

Amanda sighed again. The bartender didn't exactly look like an authority on 'getting snatch' but it was true. No woman was going to hit on a stressed out zombie.

She took a long swig of the beer he brought over, and tried to push all thoughts of work from her mind. In truth it wasn't just the job. It was the city. She'd been in New York for 2 years now but she didn't feel like she had put down roots. She still only knew a handful of people outside of work. It was hard enough to penetrate a social circle in this monolith of a city before you even factored in the unfriendly hours and mind numbing intensity of her work. She wasn't keen to get close to anyone from Gamblers Anonymous, too messy.

But she was lonely. There was no denying it.

Finishing her beer and motioning to the bartender for another, she stretched her shoulders and looked up, just as a pretty brunette with a sharp cut bob appeared next to her scanning the bar.

Amanda flashed a winning smile that extended all the way to her big blue eyes.

 _"Lookin' for someone?"_

The brunette smiled back. _"my roommate is always late, should have known to arrive half an hour after we agreed to"_

 _"Well we can't have a pretty lady all alone at the bar. First one is on me… that is if you"d like?_

Amanda's endearing combination of southern chivalry and bashfulness didn't often fail to melt hearts, and this woman was no exception.

In the half hour before her friend turned up Amanda had found out her companion was a junior journalist from Pennsylvania, newly single and had aspirations to work in Television. There wasn't much conversation after that, her friend arrived with another woman in tow just as the bar started to pack out and the music got louder. The journalist invited Amanda to keep hanging out with them, and over the next hour beers turned into shots, and then they were out on the dance floor.

As one song rolled into another Amanda found herself dancing closer to the journalist. She caught her eye flirtatiously,

 _"I'm gonna get some air, you want to come"_

The brunette followed Amanda outside the bar , where they sank into the wall behind a group of smokers.

 _"I'm having a really good time"_

Amanda gently took her hand. _"yeah me too."_

They looked at each other for a second, and Amanda leaned in and kissed her. Within seconds Amanda had her pushed up against the wall and they were making out furiously.

Amanda felt the heat rising in her body, a combination of alcohol buzz, and pent up desire that hadn't been sated nearly recently enough. She vaguely registered some wolf whistles and smart comments from the group of older Dykes smoking behind them, but was soon completely lost in the moment.

She certainly wasn't aware that her boss was standing 20 feet away, staring straight at the back of her head in shock.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia sipped her coffee thoughtfully, her fingers absentmindedly flicking the plastic lid. She couldn't get the image of Rollins pushing that woman up against the wall out of her head. Seeing her colleague in such a raw situation had had a visceral effect on her, and even now, the next morning, she couldn't figure out why.

Last night, recognising that familiar blonde hair, that jacket that she knew so well, she had completely frozen up on the sidewalk. Her stomach flipped over and she could't tear her eyes couldn't have told you what George had been saying as he walked back to her vantage point. She had found herself moving slightly closer to the group of women, a few steps to the side. As a smoker shuffled clearing her view there was no mistaking her profile. That was definitely Amanda Rollins.

it was Huang's hand on her arm that had jolted her back to reality.

 _"_ _Come on Liv, I don't think it's quite a convenient moment to er… say hello"_

Liv nodded and forced herself to turn to Huang with a smile.

 _"_ _well then"_

 _"_ _well"_ Huang chuckled _"even peaches and cream has a secret side then"_

Liv's brown eyes darted back towards Rollins, before she became self conscious for staring and determinedly fixed them back on George.

 _"_ _so, to the Glitterbox?"_

They had set off back the way they came, walking in silence mostly. Seeing Rollins hadn't really surprised Huang, after all he barely knew her. A couple of introductions in the squad room when he had come back to help them on a case. But Olivia's thoughts where everywhere. On the pale tousled hair shining in the lamplight. The way she could see Amanda's hips pressing into her 'friend's'. Liv's banter had been very sub par for poor George for the rest of the evening.

In the light of day, Olivia was still all over the place. And it bothered her that she was so bothered by it. She didn't have a problem with same sex attraction. She had many gay friends and acquaintances, had helped so many gay and lesbian victims over the years, she prided herself on being an ally. So why did it matter if Rollins kissed women outside bars in her free time?

Olivia took a large swig of her coffee before continuing to play with the lid,

Was it that she hadn't told her? It wasn't like they were super close friends. One could say that they had certainly had their share of differences. They made small talk in squad cars, not swap secrets over pinot noir. Besides, what if this was something new to Amanda? As she mulled that notion over, Amanda's words back when she was still a newbie came flooding back to Olivia.

 _"_ _How long have you worked here? how can you trust any man after what you see?"_

Olivia"s stomach lurched. What if working in SVU had turned Amanda gay? The more she thought about it, the more logical it seemed that this was what was bothering her about the situation. Amanda was as straight a shooter verbally as she was with a gun, definitely not one to avoid making a statement. Surely if this was something that had always been part of her identity it would have come up at some point? Involuntarily a slideshow of some of the recent more sicking perps flashed before Olivia's mind. The dentist who sedated and raped women including his niece, the photographer with his torture chamber waiting for young boys, the child porn ring… William Lewis. God. It wasn't like Olivia was a very good role model of what Rollins future possibilities were. One dysfunctional relationship to another. Choosing to raise Noah alone rather than with a man.

Benson felt her stomach lurch. Was she not offering enough support through the trauma for Rollins? The dark snake of self blame began to twist in her insides.

The thought was halted by a flash of blonde through Olivia's office window. The woman herself was here. And (surprisingly)on time, although sporting some dark shades. The idea that within seconds she'd stick her head through the door to say good morning jolted Olivia to her other dilemma. Should she say something?She couldn't think of how to put the words together coherently and comically to say something, but on the other hand she didn't know how she could keep what she'd seen a secret. The last thought she had as Rollins footsteps came closer to her door, was that if she had seen Rollins kissing a man in the middle of the street, she would have teased her about it, so in the interests of equality she should really make a lighthearted comment…

...

 _"_ _Late night Detective?"_

Rollins stopped sharply at the door. Something was off about Liv's tone. She stole a glance at her watch, she'd been sure she was on time. _dammit._ They'd been getting on well lately too.

" _Not really, all tucked up in bed before midnight, you know gettin' my beauty sleep."_

Amanda cracked a small smile, trying to lighten the mood a little.

 _"_ _Your bed, or someone elses? You looked like you were still quite busy around 10:30 when I was walking through Chelsea with Dr Huang"_

A flush of red flooded Amanda"s cheeks as she calculated what part of her night 10:30 would have been. God, how much had Liv seen?

She looked up at Olivia"s face, trying to read where she was going with this. Olivia's deep brown eyes looked intense, but then she was smiling… So Amanda guessed everything was ok then? Not knowing what else to do she raised her hands in mock surrender.

 _"_ _Y'all caught me out then."_

Amanda chuckled as she spoke, trying hard to seem amused.

A couple of seconds passed and Olivia didn't reply, if Amanda didn't know better she'd think she didn't know what to say next.

 _"_ _Well that paperwork won't do itself, so I guess I'll be gettin' on then."_

Amanda began reversing herself out the door before she even finished talking. Then, just as Olivia was breathing a sigh of relief, she stuck her head back in.

 _"_ _Uh, Liv. I'd appreciate it if you kept the … uh… details … It's not something I…"_

 _"_ _Of course."_

Olivia nodded and Amanda scarpered.

Her head was spinning. Oh Lord, what had she gotten herself into.


	3. Chapter 3

_(AN Thanks so much for the reviews and follows! This is my first ever fanfic so I really appreciate all the support! Intending it to be at least 10 chapters, so keep with me through the slow burn ... promise I'll deliver with some romance, drama and sexy times! ;) just trying to make it a vaguely realistic journey for them! )_

 _"_ _Finn, Rollins, you take this one. I want you at the scene 5 minutes ago"_ Liv's voice rang out across the squad room and Amanda reached for her coat, following Finn out the door.

Thankfully, after that first awkward encounter work got in the way, as always, and things sunk back into normalcy between Amanda and Olivia. If Amanda hadn't caught those few lingering looks in quiet moments she would have almost thought she got away with it.

But she knew better. This was something that a 'in touch with her emotions' 'post therapy' Liv would be determined to discuss. The question was just when.

Amanda didn't even know why she was so loathe to discuss it. That was a lie. She knew exactly why she didn't want to discuss it, she just hated even admitting it to herself.

Firstly she wasn't very good about having conversations about her sexuality. Call it a Southern Hangup, or in the words of the lesbian activist she'd briefly had a fling with in college 'internalised biphobia', but although Amanda had known for a long time that she enjoyed sleeping with both men and women, she didn't think she owed the details of it to anyone. It just made things more complicated than they needed to be. Men fetishised it, women were intimidated by it.

Which brought her to her next concern. Now Liv knew she liked women would she connect the dots and realise Amanda' s big crush on her?

It was easy to fly under the radar when everyone thought she was straight. It's not like she thought anything would happen in a million years of working together… sometimes after a long day it was just nice to run her eyes down Liv's back, taking in every curve. It's not like she was obsessing. She'd had a pretty hard crush when she first arrived in SVU that was true, but then after her vicious dressing down from Liv and time spent withering under her disappointed glares after the gambling fiasco she'd put it to the side. It definitely wasn't something that seemed worth dwelling on when she was hooking up with Nick. That was distraction enough at work. But now Nick was gone, she was lonelier than ever, and all she had to think about lying alone in bed at night was Olivia's pert posterior.

On that thought she turned bright pink… there was that one time she'd done slightly more than lie there _thinking_ about Liv's bottom in pantsuit. Although as small comfort she'd bet a whole lot of money she wasn't the first one in the department who'd done that at least once. _Ah, if only that was something she I actually win money betting on._

 _"_ _You been awful quiet lately."_

Finn jolted Amanda from her thoughts.

 _"_ _oh, really, ya miss the sound of my voice now?"_ Amanda retorted teasingly. _"Judging from the Ambulance I think we're here now."_

 _..._

Olivia sighed as she clicked off her monitor. It had been a straightforward day if not untraumatic day for once, and here she was actually leaving slightly early. Good thing too, as she had a dentists appointment.

As she rummaged through her bag to check she had everything, she noticed a light flashing on her personal mobile indicating that she had a message. Her dentist appointment was cancelled.

She paused a moment. She'd booked Lucy to stay with Noah until later on that night, and she could really do with a glass of wine. She stuck her head out into the squad room.

 _"_ _Anyone up for a drink? First ones on me tonight."_

 _"_ _Sure"_ Of course Carisi wasn't one to say no.

 _"_ _Don't you have law school or something?"_ Finn's sarcasm always cut him down a peg. Carisi wasn't fast enough with a comeback and Finn turned back to Liv.

 _"_ _I'll come for one, what about you Rollins, you better be joining us so I got someone talking sense."_

 _"_ _What about me"_ Olivia pouted in mock offence.

 _"_ _you talk too much sense"_ Finn's eyes sparkled.

 _"_ _fine, 5 minutes guys, anyone who needs longer we'll be at the usual place. "_

When Olivia, Finn and Rollins walked into their usual bar the seats along the bar were taken, but after they ordered their drinks, they discovered a booth towards the back was still free.

 _"_ _Man, Carisi's never gonna find us in here."_ Finn moaned. Carisi had been held up by a last minute phone call.

 _"_ _Someone should wait out front for him."_ Olivia heard the words come out of her mouth and silently cursed herself for sounding like a mother hen so much lately. _"Or not. after all we do pay him for his detective work."_

Amanda chuckled and Finn rolled his eyes.

 _"_ _ok, you ladies hold the table and I'll wait out front for Carisi."_

Finn's back turned and Olivia looked up at Amanda.

 _"_ _so Rollins, How you doing lately?"_

 _..._

There is was again, that slightly off tone. The nonchalance was too feigned. The intense expression in Liv's eyes didn't match her small smile. She may have had her faults, but Amanda _was_ trained to read people.

 _"_ _Look Liv, lets cut to the elephant in the room. You saw me out the other night, and clearly you need to talk about it."_ Typical Amanda, no holds barred.

Olivia managed to look both relieved and uncomfortable at the same time. Clearly that was what she did want to talk about but she didn't really know where to go next.

 _"_ _so are you…"_ Liv paused.

 _"_ _Dating women now?, A lesbian?"_ Amanda filled in the space, but her tone came out a lot more vicious and sarcastic than she intended. Liv looked obviously taken aback.

 _"_ _Look, Amanda. It's none of my business what you do in your spare time. But this was just so unexpected that I felt as you boss, well more than that, as your friend"_ Liv paused again and looked Amanda right in the eyes. _"I should check that you're ok. And if there is anything that you're going through, or experiencing that it's coming from a positive place and not from something dark."_

Now Amanda was just confused. Something dark? What was Liv talking about?

 _"_ _I know this job is very dark, and that the majority of the horrific things that we see are inflicted by men. But that doesn't mean there aren't still good men out there."_

As Liv continued to speak it suddenly clicked with Amanda where she was headed, and why she had such a worried crease on her brow as as she spoke.

 _"_ _No no no"_ Amanda felt it was better to interrupt now than wait. _"Liv, this isn't some side affect of the job, It isn't even something new. Trust me."_

Liv was looking at her, straight on. Amanda sighed

 _"_ _I'm Bisexual. Well at least thats the word I know that is closest to how I feel. I've always been attracted to both men and women. It's just not something I'm real comfortable talking about."_

 _"_ _okay"_ Olivia kept looking at Amanda. She seemed a bit relieved, but was obviously waiting for more. Amanda took a swig of her drink and continued. Why stop now she supposed.

 _"_ _I've been hooking up with Women since college, but never a serious girlfriend, so it never felt right to bother with a big coming out if the next person I dated was going to be a guy. Besides, theres a lot of negative connotations, guys automatically think you want a threesome, girls think you're experimenting. It's just a hassle to try and explain to anyone. And you know Atlanta, it's not the most female friendly environment to begin with. "_

 _"_ _but we all kiss our girlfirends in college Amanda. You're sure this recent exploration of it isn't triggered by something. Nick leaving, watching a constant stream of the worst men in America go through central booking? Amanda I know how it feels to get home at the end of dealing with these predators all day and just crave something softer… I know I'm not the best role model for functional heterosexuality… but it doesn't mean a man can't be there for you with that."_

 _"_ _Seriously Liv, are you listening to me? The job hasn't turned me gay. I swear to you."_

Olivia nodded

 _"_ _I haven't given up on men for relationships. But to be honest, these days when I just want some casual sex it does seem easier to find it with a woman. You're right, after day after day of dealing with rape, I can relax a bit more in a lesbian bar than somewhere with 10 sleazy dudes trying to hit on me. But sleeping with women did not start with SVU. I promise you."_

Olivia sighed and seemed to relax a bit. _"Ok, I believe you. I almost envy you actually. I don't know I trust any man enough to be in my house for casual sex now I have Noah. "_

Amanda sensed the cloud had lifted a bit, so dared to say with a wink _"so, we .. uh…_ all _kiss our girlfriends in college then, lieutenant?_

Olivia flushed unexpectedly and broke eye contact, but was saved from replying as Finn and Carisi pushed through the now crowded bar to the table.

 _"_ _Good thing I was waiting, this one would get lost even finding the right bar."_ Finn shook his head

 _"_ _I knew where i was going, I was just looking at something i the window there"_

Their argument cut through the moment. Olivia looked up again, smiling at them.

 _"_ _Well Carisi what kept you so long?_

Amanda quietly sipped her drink as her colleagues bantered. That last moment, she hadn't expected Liv to actually get embarrassed. Was there actually something in it? She shook her head softly to herself. She should learn to keep her trap shut.

 _'_ _You're still being quiet Rollins?"_ Finn nudged her.

 _"_ _Well Carisi can talk enough for the both of us."_ She grinned and joined the banter. She would analyse her conversation with Olivia later.


	4. Chapter 4

_"_ _We all kiss our girlfriends in college Amanda"_

Amanda had replayed the words in her head more times than she cared to admit. Just the thought of younger Olivia kissing women sent her insides into a spin. She'd seen some old pictures of Olivia too, ones of her early days in SVU that Cragen found while packing up his things. Cropped hair, eyes shining with attitude and determination… slightly butcher outfits. God, who could possibly say no to that.

Amanda was intrigued. She felt a strange energy in their exchanges ever since that night that Liv had caught her out. Although she occasionally second guessed herself - _was it just her own attraction blinding her?_ \- she felt that if given the opportunity to dig a bit more she might find some surprising truths about one Lieutenant Olivia Benson.

But opportunity was the problem. Sure their work put them in close proximity… but that proximity was rarely alone, and as a single mum Olivia didn't socialise with the team as much as she had in the old days.

Lying on her couch with Frannie on a Sunday afternoon Amanda mulled things over. What was it they said? _If Mohammed won't come to the mountain, then bring the Mountain to Mohammed?_ It was unlikely that fate would throw her another moment alone with Olivia anytime soon, so she'd just have to create one herself.

She rubbed Frannie's ears thoughtfully. On what pretext could she coax Olivia to a bar. Whose birthday was coming up?

Frannie nuzzled her, panting and a stringy wet pool of drool landed on Amanda's chest.

' _Ewww, Frannie! You're worse than a kid sometimes!'_ She lovingly admonished her dog.

At that thought her mind started rolling and she suddenly thought of the perfect plan. She tousled Frannies ears lovingly. ' _hey girl, you wanna make some new friends?'_

 _..._

Amanda loitered at her desk, slowly packing up her things and flicking through her emails, one eye on Olivia's office door. She needed her timing to be perfect. As soon as Liv headed for the door, Amanda would be ready to join her, and grab a few minutes to talk in the lift. It was Wednesday and every day that week something had got in the way of her pulling it off. Today Liv hadn't budged though, and Amanda was starting to wonder how she would be able to justify putting in overtime, when finally she sensed some movement in her periphery.

Olivia slid into her coat and grabbed her bag, happy to be heading out reasonably on time today. She was trying to remember what was left in her fridge and think of what she could conjure together for dinner for her and Noah when she looked up and saw that Rollins was just leaving too.

 _"_ _And what are the single ladies of New York up to tonight?"_

The arrived by the lift at the same time and Olivia spoke first followed by the immediate afterthought that perhaps her phrasing was a tad more playful than she intended. _Ughhhh_ , why was she always second guessing every conversation with Rollins now?

 _"_ _I could say the same for you Lieutenant… unless there is someone you've been keeping from us?"_

 _"_ _What are the single_ and childless _women of New York up to tonight."_ she emphasised the 'childless', then paused _"You know my plans involve an aeroplane spoon, a rubber ducky and if I'm lucky a Dora the Explorer book I've only read 15 times before.."_

Amanda laughed. _"not sure I can compete with that. I'll take Frannie for a jog, try and pick a takeout menu from somewhere that doesn't already know me by my phone number. The usual. "_

They were in the lift now. Olivia pressed the button. She smiled and nodded, but didn't say anything back. Within a moment though Amanda continued talking.

 _"_ _Frannie's really been enjoying the spring weather we've been having. We had such a nice afternoon in the park last Sunday. I was thinking if its nice again this Sunday perhaps you want to bring Noah down. Have him see something green and meet some animals…"_

She trailed off, if Liv didn't know better she'd say almost nervously. Olivia was surprised, especially after recent events she'd pegged Rollins more for Sangria and shots on some slightly grungy terrace bar on a Sunday afternoon than for family friendly picnics.

 _"_ _Is Frannie ok with kids?"_

Olivia blurted out the first thing that came to her mind. The lift had taken them down to the ground floor now, and they and instinctively paused in the entranceway.

 _"_ _yeah we had a few little ones come over to say hi last week and she was really comfortable. Gave them a gentle lick."_

Something about Rollins optimistic smile caught at Liv. She didn't really have a reason not to… and she had been wanting to increase Noah's time outdoors now the weather was better.

 _"_ _You know, that sounds good. As long as the mercury hits 70 and the sun at least pretends its going to poke its head out from behind a cloud - lets pencil it in"_

 _"_ _Ok boss, its a date."_

Both women paused.

 _"_ _ok then."_ Olivia paused again _"Well, see you tomorrow"_

Olivia cursed her clunky tone as she walked away. _God._ Here she was a 40 something professional woman, a mother, a fucking NYPD lieutenant and for some reason her young bisexual colleague was throwing her off her game. And she was straight. it came to her more as an afterthought and she clung to it. She _was_ straight. What did it matter if Rollins liked women? She knew she was straight, Rollins knew she was straight. There was absolutely no reason under the sun for her knowledge of Amanda's sexuality to change anything between them.


	5. Chapter 5

Aww thanks for the reviews guys! I'm so excited that people noticed and cared that I kept posting. Tbh I got a bit of writers block because after I finished binge watching season 16 late last year (I'm outside the US) I became a little disenchanted with the character of Rollins and started to doubt if she was really good enough for my beloved Olivia?

Nevertheless, have decided for now to continue the story and give Amanda a shot at love… but there is a twist coming and she's going to have to lift her game if she wants to get the girl!

…..

Olivia sat on her couch looking at her phone. It was Friday night, she was nursing a glass of red wine and enjoying the silence of her apartment now that Noah was finally in bed. She'd slipped out of the squad room that evening without speaking to Rollins or reconfirming their plans for the weekend. The last two days she had oscillated between looking forward to their park date and fighting the inexplicable urge to cancel.

After all, she reasoned, she probably shouldn't slip into being friends with Rollins. Work friends had a habit of deserting her, the thought provoking a montage of the ghosts of former colleagues in her mind… Alex, Casey, Elliot, Alex again, even Nick. She didn't need any more holes in her heart. ' _I need some friends that aren't tied to the job'_ she mused, but where was she ever going to find that?

Olivia took a gulp of wine and sat her glass down. One of Noah's picture books about farm caught her eye, and she gazed at the trees and grass on the cover. She was simultaneously both intimidated and protective of Rollins these days. Somehow Rollins had already gotten under her skin… so what was the harm in going to the park?

Olivia picked up her phone and started typing out a message.

….

Frannie strained at her leash, bounding ahead of Amanda as they walked along a path through the park towards the agreed meeting spot.

 _"_ _Steady girl"_ she panted at her dog, gripping the leash. _"we're not running today."_

Amanda was carrying a small esky with some drinks and wearing an especially snug paid of jeans, it was safe to say that her pace was a lot slower than their usual park outings.

He stomach flipped nervously. She'd been so convinced that Olivia was going to bail she almost couldn't believe her luck when she saw the shapes of Olivia and Noah in the distance when she came in sight of their arranged meeting point.

 _"_ _Hi Liv, Hey Noah"_

Amanda's smile shone in her eyes, and she positively glowed

 _"_ _Say hi Noah, look, whats that? yeah, its a dog"_

Olivia chuckled at the wide-eyed expression on her son's face.

 _"_ _hi Amanda"_ She started to lean forwards almost as if to give Amanda a kiss on the cheek in greeting, but seemed to think better and catch herself.

Thankfully Noah and Frannie provided the perfect distractions from the awkwardness, as Frannie was keen to sniff out the mini-human, and Noah couldn't quite decide if he was excited or terrified by the dog, reaching out to try and touch her then ducking behind Liv in turn.

With the ice broken by Frannie's confused yelp as Noah's hand connected with her tail, within minutes the women were unpacking the snacks and drinks and chatting easily.

 _"_ _Noah and I brought cupcakes"_

Liv opened a container filled with distinctly home made looking treats.

 _"_ _you made those?"_

 _"_ _dont sound so surprised Rollins, who says I cant bake?"_

Amanda's eyebrows shot up in surprise, both at the idea of Lieutenant Olivia Benson baking, and at the playful tone in Liv's voice.

 _"_ _fine, I didn't actually make them. Lucy did. But I do cook a lot more these days."_

Amanda laughed.

 _"_ _well if Lucy made them then I guess they are safe to eat then!"_

 _"_ _hey!"_

An hour and a half later, with a large portion of the snacks gone, both Noah and Frannie were curled up on the picnic rug snoozing having exhausted each other playing.

Amanda drained her cup of lemonade.

 _"_ _god, I cant remember the last time I laughed this much"_

She absentmindedly scratched Frannie's neck and looked up, giving Olivia a shy smile. Olivia nodded.

 _`'its been a rough year"_

 _"_ _its this city. every time I think I"m making progress it whoops my ass."_

Olivia smiled at her choice of words, but nodded again.

 _"_ _Nowhere like New York to lift you up when you're high and to kick you when you're down"_

 _"_ _Amen to that."_ Amanda's southern twang was very pronounced as she spoke and she kicked herself. _"how do you make friends in this place?"_

 _"_ _When you find out, let me know? I was married to the job, now I have Noah. I never had a huge social life, and to be honest for a long time I didn't think i needed one. "_

 _"_ _i just get so lonely sometimes."_ Amanda was taken back by her own raw honesty.

Olivia's eyes conveyed understanding and warmth, she reached out and squeezed Amanda"s hand.

 _"_ _thats probably a good thing. it means you're normal."_

Amanda's pulse was racing at the unexpected contact. She hoped to god that Olivia couldn't feel it. Olivia didn't immediately retract her hand and they looked at each other for a long moment.

 _"_ _Mama?"_ A little voice piped up from the rug and Noah squirmed. Within seconds Olivia's hands had flown to scoop him up. Dazed, Amanda gulped some air, not sure what had just happened.

Noah's activity stirred Frannie, who also jumped to her feet and made a play at the remaining cupcakes before Amanda lunged at her. Whatever spell had come over them was well and truly broken.

 _"_ _oooohffff. Somebody needs a nappy change"_ Olivia playfully tapped Noah on the bottom. " _I guess its time we got going home. "_

As they packed up the picnic Amanda's heart was still pounding. She wasn't game to look Olivia in the eye, the risk of betraying her own thoughts seemed greater than her desire to read the lieutenants.

Noah gave her a sleepy cuddle goodbye, and before she knew it she had one arm around Olivia's shoulders wishing her a nice evening. She caught the faintest whiff of Liv's perfume and resisted the urge to inhale more deeply. It was sweet, but deep and musky. probably something that came in an expensive black bottle.

 _"_ _See you at work tomorrow Amanda"_

…

Amanda restlessly rolled onto her back in bed, staring at the ceiling. She couldn't sleep.

She'd worked herself into this state overthinking the afternoon. She definitely felt closer to Olivia after their candid conversation, for the first time if felt like she might really be able to call Liv a friend. _But what about that touch?_ Hours later her hand was still tingling. _Fuck girl, you got it bad._

Just thinking about the scent of Olivia had electricity coursing through her body, settling somewhere deep in her navel. She fidgeted, knowing what the feeling meant. She knew if she gave in and dipped her fingers into her panties she would already be wet.

Trouble was, while getting off on 'her hot boss Olivia' was a little sleazy but ethically passable, now that Olivia was actually becoming her friend somehow masturbating to the thought of her felt like a kind of betrayal. _uuurrrghhhhh what was a girl to do?_

Amanda ran her fingers lightly over her own stomach thoughtfully. Rather than calming her, the light touch on her skin,pushing her Tshirt upwards served to tease herself more. She fiddled with the band of her panties. _fuck it._ Amanda stretched her fingers and reached down between her legs…


	6. Chapter 6

Amanda balanced two takeaway coffee cups atop a pile of files as she clumsily reached for the handle of Olivias office door. Just as it was about to topple over Fin came up behind her and steadied the pile. He took a sniff. " _ohhh you got the good stuff"_

He was referring to the hole in the wall cafe a couple of blocks from the precinct where Amanda had queued for 10 minutes to order the two coffees. _"what about me hey? not enough love for your partner?"_

Rollins rolled her eyes. _"gotta run Liv over the files for the Hamilton case, just want her in her best mood."_ Amanda lied through her teeth. _"can you grab the door?"_

Not quite convinced, Fin eyed her suspiciously as he twisted the doorknob. Amanda had a sinking feeling she'd be getting questioned later. Fin's streetwise exterior may have led some to underestimate him, but Amanda had worked with her partner long enough to know how incredibly sharp he was. She knew that he knew that Liv wouldn't have any reason to be upset over how the Hamilton case was handled, and she could already see his mind jumping, wondering what mess she was trying to smooth over this time. While their respect for each others detective skills was mutual, she tended to think that he thought of her as a bit of a naughty puppy that he had to keep an eye on. He worried about her and, she thought resignedly, given her track record it wasn't entirely unwarranted.

Truth was, every time she looked at Olivia she felt guilty for the graphic sexual thoughts she was having about the Lieutenant almost nightly now, and the cafe treats were her awkward way of making amends. Not that anyone could ever know what for.

All thoughts of Fin went out the window the moment Liv looked up at her after hearing the door open. Olivia's deep brown eyes peered over her thick black glasses frames, and connected with Amanda's almost causing her to drop everything all over again.

 _"_ _Rollins, great timing. Let's get this done."_

Amanda nodded mutely, unable to think of anything witty to say. Olivia only wore her glasses when she was getting serious about paperwork, and Amanda couldn't help but find 'Serious Olivia' seriously sexy. She plopped the files down on the desk lightly, and pushed one of the coffee cups over towards Liv.

 _"_ _Picked us up something to ease the passage a bit"_

 _fuck fuck fuck. I sound like I'm talking about fucking Lube._ Amanda felt a hot rush of blood to her cheeks… and to her groin.

…

Olivia quirked an eyebrow at Rollins choice of words as she reached over and picked up the coffee. She eyed the label on the cup and took a sniff before letting out a soft moan. _"mmmm… you got the good stuff."_

She blushed. She hadn't meant for her moan to come out like that. _God. Rollins probably thinks I'm flirting with her now._

Olivia adjusted her glasses and straightened up determined to be more businesslike.

 _"_ _thanks for the coffee Rollins, now show me what we've got here. Barba is worried about this one so we need everything to be in impeccable order."_

She looked up. Amanda's face was as red as hers felt. Olivia thought she detected a flash of hurt in those earnest blue eyes at her tone and use of Rollins surname rather than the more familiar Amanda that she'd reverted to lately. Olivia softened slightly

" _I mean I'm sure you've done a good job, but lets go through it from the start and make sure all t's are crossed and i's are dotted."_

She gave Amanda a small smile.

As her office door swung shut behind Amanda, Olivia collapsed back in her chair tipping her head back and exhaling deeply. What was wrong with her?

They'd had such a great time at the park together, and Amanda had still been totally respectful to her seniority at work this week… its not like she could make any kind of argument that Amanda was letting their burgeoning personal friendship affect their working relationship. _It was all her._ She was the one struggling with this for some reason. Then again, there _was_ the coffee, and earlier in the week there had been a muffin, raspberry and white chocolate, that had just happened to find its way to her desk one afternoon when she'd skipped lunch and was famished.

 _She's just being a friend._ Friends look out for each other and support each other like that. _God am I so messed up that I cant even have a friendship?_ Olivia lent forward onto her desk and pushed her fingers to her temples. She had never been one to have close female friends… she was definitely more comfortable being 'one of the guys' than getting close to another woman. And now there was a woman, a sweet nice woman, who cared enough to make sure she was eating, and who she could actually talk to, and she was creating some big mess in her head over it because that woman happened to be bisexual.

Olivia of a decade ago, or even Olivia of 5 years ago would have gone into a downward spiral of self loathing, probably channelled her feelings into anger or focus on work, and not thought twice about pushing Amanda away. But Olivia had grown a lot in the last few years, perhaps more than she even acknowledged.

As the feelings of confusion and self doubt swirled in her mind, the logical part of her brain recognised them for what they were. Before she could change her mind, she picked up her mobile and scrolled through till she found the number she was looking for.

 _"_ _Hi, its Olivia Benson here. I'd like to make an appointment with Dr Lindstrom."_

Hanging up, she traced over the appointment time she had scrawled in her notebook. Friday 10am. She was overdue for a check-in with her therapist anyway. She'd stopped going regularly a while ago but found it helpful to touch base every few months. Hopefully if she talked things through with Dr Lindstrom she'd be able to put all this nonsense behind her and just enjoy being friends with Amanda.

…

 _"_ _Rollins, you need to get that skinny white ass over here now"_

Fin's voice echoed down the phone line into Amanda's ear. It was Thursday evening and she was alone in the squad room. The verdict had come back on a particularly nasty case today and Barba had succeeded in putting the perp away for life. The rest of the squad had gone to a bar together to celebrate, but Rollins had made excuses and disappeared. She had been grilled by the defence when she was on the stand and fumbled her testimony. She knew that if the jury had acquitted him it would have been largely her fault. Even though that hadn't happened and everything had been fine in the end thanks to Barba's persuasive arguments ,she was still emotionally exhausted from the ordeal. She didn't feel like celebrating when she had come so close to royally fucking it up for all of them, and for the victims. Fin had other ideas.

 _"_ _look Rollins, wallowing in your own misery and might-have-beens isn't going to change anything. Come out, have a beer and let it go. You'll do better next time."_

Amanda sincerely hoped that he had walked away from the rest of the group, and that everyone wasn't hearing his candid advice.

 _"_ _Fin, I …"_

 _"_ _Look, if I don't see that blonde head of yours in 15 minutes I'm going to come and pick you up myself."_

Amanda couldn't help but crack a small smile. In so many ways Fin was her perfect compliment as a partner. He read her so well and was always there to support her when she needed it.

 _"_ _Fine. See you in 10."_

Amanda walked into the same bar that they'd been to last time, and when she didn't immediately see the team she pushed her way further towards the back. They were squished into a booth, the table littered with glasses and a mostly empty pitcher of beer.

As she approached Barba jumped to his feet, pushing what looked like a whisky glass to the middle of the table.

 _"_ _Rollins, have my seat, I was just leaving."_

 _"_ _30 minutes slumming it in a cop bar was enough for him"_ Fin was on a roll tonight, and Amanda wondered how much of the pitcher he alone had consumed, given Barba clearly wasn't a beer drinker and Liv had a glass of red wine in front of her. The insecure part of her brain wondered if Barba was still so angry he didn't want to be around her, but as he slid past her he lent in close.

 _"_ _tomorrow is a new day Rollins. don't dwell."_ He stepped back and gave her a small nod. Turning to the table he gave a wane smile. _"Enjoy your night."_

Amanda slid in next to Carisi and Fin produced what appeared to be a clean glass in front of her.

 _"_ _so, what did I miss?"_

…

3 glasses of red wine south, Olivia was feeling a distinct buzz that she hadn't felt in a while. _Probably because I haven't eaten since breakfast._ It was only 7, but Olivia had really intended to be on her way home an hour ago. One drink had led to another and she was feeling more relaxed than she had been in a long time. She faintly registered that turning up hungover to Dr Lindstrom the next morning wasn't a good idea, but more pressingly, Lucy was due to clock off soon and Liv really needed to be thinking about getting in a Cab if she wasn't going to ask her babysitter to stay late yet again.

She looked around her the shining faces of her team and smiled. So much had changed, but they were still getting good results. Her heart swelled with pride in them. Her eyes lingered on Amanda. Even in the dimly lit bar there was just something about her, something she couldn't quite put her finger on… at that moment Amanda looked up and caught her eye. Both women froze, locked in each others gaze before Olivia quickly looked down. _Thank god my appointment with Dr Lindstrom is tomorrow._

She decided that was her queue to leave. She nudged Fin to let her up to use the bathroom. She would go to the toilet, splash some cold water on her face then go back and grab her bag.

As her back turned and she retreated to the restroom she saw a sudden movement in the corner of her eye, but didn't turn. She completely missed Amanda distractedly knocking her beer glass all over herself as her eyes trained on Olivia's rear.

Olivia sat on the toilet, breathing deeply. The stillness and the cooler air calmed her down, but didn't quite sober her up. She still felt the buzz of the wine, but she collected herself and buttoned up her pants. She was definitely going home now.

She swung open the cubicle door, and was completely unprepared for the sight that met her. Amanda was standing at the sink, the lamp dangling above emitting a glow that caught on the long blonde tendrils of hair spilling over her shoulders. Her back was to Olivia but the reflection showed her shirt was open two buttons lower than it had been at their table and she was sponging her chest with a wad of hand towel.

Olivia's legs turned to lead and she felt paralysed to move or talk. The scene almost blurred before her eyes as her mind flooded with Deja vu.

 _12 years earlier. A slightly dodgier bar with a much smaller bathroom. Just one cubicle and a tiny entranceway with a a sink and towel dispenser, barely large enough to hold two people._

 _Olivia opens the cubicle door and stops dead in her tracks. A tall blonde woman is standing at the sink, her usually neat long blonde hair falling haphazardly over her cream coloured silk blouse, a blouse completely unbuttoned revealing a pale blue lace bra and an expanse of smooth pale skin stretched over a toned stomach. She is dabbing at her chest with a wad of scrunched up hand paper and cursing. It takes a second for Olivia to register the red wine stain splattered on the blouse and even on the lacework of her bra. She was tipsy already, but at the sight of the semi naked woman she feels like every rational thought has left her head._

 _"_ _Alex" she breathes the name more than says it and the blonde looks up, meeting her eyes through sexy dark frames._

 _"_ _Liv" They stare at each other._

 _Olivia looks down and then moves towards the sink to wash her hands, just as Alex leans forward to grab another piece of towel, and their hands connect with each other. They both start at the contact and look up again, this time faces only centimetres apart. Olivia can feel Alex's breath on her cheeks, on her lips even, and she can feel a rush of adrenaline cursing through her body. A throbbing begins in her very core. She looks deep into those piercing cerulean eyes, eyes that seem to mirror her excitement and confusion. She can't tell you which one of them it is that leans ever so slightly forward, noses now brushing together lightly, inhaling each other. The moment seems to last forever, neither one of them making a move to seal the gap between their mouths._

 _Alex's damp hand curls up and strokes Olivia's short hair off her face intimately, and just as the kiss begins to feel inevitable Olivia's brain seems to switch on and she jerks backwards. Pushing past Alex, she rushes out of the bathroom in a panic._

Dazed, the present came back into focus and Olivia realised that Amanda was looking at her, and that she had been staring straight at Amanda's chest.

She didn't know what to say, the panicked feelings rose again and Olivia fled the bathroom without a word. She stopped by the table, grabbing her bag and saying a rushed goodbye to the boys before moving as fast as she could to the entrance. Out in the fresh air she gulped for breath, shaking. _oh God oh God oh God._


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks so much for the reviews guys! Special shout out to Zebrastreifen, dragonsprit and bluemermaiid who have been reviewing after almost every chapter! Your encouragement has given me so much inspiration to keep writing!

Have really gotten into this story again, so aiming to punch the rest out in the next couple of weeks for you… at the rate its going it might end up being longer than the 10 chapters I initially promised… not sure I can wrap it up that fast with what I have planned for our ladies!

….

Amanda absentmindedly tapped her fingers on her desk, rapping out an agitated rhythm. She'd gotten to work early after a restless night. The panicked look in Olivia's eyes last night in the bathroom had haunted her in every moment since. It was impossible to think of anything else.

The only other time she could recall seeing Liv look so out of control, so shaken, was after her ordeal with William Lewis.

 _It didn't make any sense._ Amanda hadn't said a word to her, definitely hadn't hit on her. _Hell,_ Amanda reasoned, she hadn't even physically exposed that much of herself _._ Surely it couldn't be her that had upset Liv so much? _But she seemed fine at the table_. Amanda replayed the conversation over and over in her mind, Carisi had been recounting a story about his sister's baby, Fin had been ribbing him, Olivia had been laughing. _Fuck she was beautiful when she laughed._ Amanda had butterflies just thinking about the glow that Liv radiated when she was happy.

Then there was that moment, the moment that their eyes had caught. Liv had seemed embarrassed, and it was right after that she had shuffled out of the booth. But they'd been having awkward eye contact for weeks now… there was nothing particularly different about last night.

 _Had she gotten a phone call in the bathroom?_ Amanda tried to put her detective hat on and think about what other opportunities there had been for something to happen to the lieutenant in such a small window of time.

Her head sunk down until her forehead hit the desk, she rocked slightly tapping her head against the desk lightly in frustration before almost jumping out of her skin at the sound of a voice.

 _"_ _Rollins you can't possibly be that hungover after 3 beers._ "

Fin walked in to the squad room, a takeaway coffee cup in each hand. He sat one cup in front of Amanda's head.

 _"_ _its not your fancy one, but don't say I don't love you."_

Amanda forced a grateful grin up at Fin. _"awwww…"_

Her stomach sank.. She'd hoped by getting in early she might get a moment alone with Liv. Her deep concern for her boss currently overrode every other feeling she was having towards her. She almost didn't care about whatever chemistry was rising between them… as long as Liv was ok.

 _"_ _You're going to need it. We're catching this morning. Carisi is in court and Liv isn't in until noon."_

Amanda's eyebrows shot up, so she turned to shuffle through some papers, concentrating very hard on keeping her voice as relaxed as possible.

 _"_ _oh, is everything ok with Liv?"_

 _"_ _yeah, she mentioned yesterday she had an appointment. Can't remember what… maybe something with Noah. You know kids, always need some shot or other. "_

Fin shook his head and Amanda made a small 'mmmph' noise in agreement still concentrating very hard on the stack of papers on the side of her desk. She knew if she let Fin read her face he'd see right through her.

She considered telling Fin what she'd seen in the bathroom, but then thought the better of it. She trusted him more than she'd trusted any other man in her life, and given that he was currently the longest constant coworker slash friend that Liv had, she knew that Liv trusted him too. _Probably a lot more than she trusts me._

However, in the light of day with a warm trickle of coffee slowly heating her insides and Fin's relaxed rambling, she began to almost doubt her recollection of the previous night.

 _Had Olivia really been that upset? If she had, wouldn't Fin have noticed too when she left?_

Fin had been pretty buzzed but he tended to play up his merriment when he drank, never really losing control.

 _Perhaps Olivia had just felt a bit ill when she went to the toilet?_ Amanda knew she hadn't eaten much yesterday. She found herself almost subconsciously keeping tabs on Liv's habits lately. She rationalised it as being caring, but she also knew it was a teeny bit stalkerish.

 _Perhaps that look Amanda had interpreted as panic was more one of physical discomfort?_

 _"_ _Earth to Rollins"_

Fin had pulled up a seat next to her desk and was looking at her intently.

 _"_ _whats going on with you lately?"_

Amanda looked up, flicking her hair over her shoulder in an attempt at feigning nonchalance. She arranged her features in a polite quizzical look. _"What do you mean?"_

 _"_ _You're quiet. You drift off on me all the time. You're sucking up to Benson."_

Amanda desperately tried to keep her face from twitching at the sound of Liv's name.

Fin continued. _"I'm getting worried about you. Is it the gambling? If you've slipped up just tell me, we can sort it out."_

Amanda couldn't help looking straight at Fin now. She felt her eyes prickling at the sincerity and caring in his voice. She'd never had a partner, well, even a friend care this much about her in such a selfless way.

 _"_ _No. Fin,"_ She paused. _"I promise you its not gambling. I'm not in any trouble, I swear."_

Fin kept looking at her, his dark eyes still reflecting concern.

 _"_ _Look, its going to sound really stupid."_

 _"_ _Don't worry. I heard it all before."_

Amanda couldn't help a small smile at his persistence. Fuck it. She was going to come clean. A _t least a little._ Fin deserved some truth.

 _"_ _A few weeks ago when I was out partying Liv saw me…"_ she faltered. _"she saw me in a slightly compromising position. And I've been totally embarrassed ever since."_

Fin's brow furrowed, not quite reading fluently between the lines of what Amanda was saying.

 _"_ _You weren't doing drugs were you?"_

 _"_ _Hell no, Fin! You know me better than that. I was just.. uh… kinda busy… outside a bar… up against a wall… with someone…"_ She trailed off hoping he would get the picture without having to go any further.

Fin let out a low whistle and chuckled.

 _"_ _Rollins you hussy."_

Amanda shook her head and laughed self deprecatingly.

 _"_ _So"_ Fin paused for effect. _"who was the guy?"_

Amanda could feel her face redden before she even opened her mouth.

 _"_ _it was a girl."_

 _"_ _oooooooooowwwww. Man! "_ Fin positively hooted in surprise _. "and what did Benson do?"_

 _"_ _Nothing at the time. I didn't even know she was there until she told me at work the next day."_

Fin shook his head and laughed long and hard.

 _"_ _thats a bloody good story Rollins, but I don't see why you're still embarrassed weeks later. You know Liv wouldn't judge you on your sexuality."_

 _"_ _I know but I've been trying so hard for her to take me seriously again… and then she saw me drunk and grinding into some girl like a horny college kid."_

Fin couldn't help himself chuckling again and put his hand over his eyes.

" _Stop right there partner. Those aren't images I want to be having."_

Amanda couldn't help herself laughing too. The phone rang shrilly, surprising them both. Fin moved to answer it. As he stood up he ruffled Amanda's hair in an brotherly way.

 _"_ _Just do your job, keep your nose out of trouble and she'll forget about it"_

As Fin started talking to the caller Amanda sighed and blushed. There was only one place she really wanted to stick her nose… and she was pretty sure that it was the very definition of trouble!


	8. Chapter 8

Olivia ran her fingers nervously over the textured fabric armrest of the chair in Dr Lindstrom's office.

 _"…_ _and I just feel like its been bothering me ever since. I don't understand why. I don't have a problem with gay people, I was going to a gay bar with my gay friend when all this started."_

Olivia finished her story and took a deep breath. Once she had started talking the words had some pouring out, how she'd seen Amanda at the bar, the fears she'd had that it was a sign of work trauma, Amanda's reassurances this wasn't the case and that Olivia believed her but still couldn't shake the feeling that she was treating Rollins differently.

Dr Lindstrom sat in a contemplative silence for a minute. _Why do shrinks do that?_ Olivia wanted his advice, now. The sooner they figured this out the sooner she could get back to normal.

 _"_ _Do you find this woman attractive?"_

 _"_ _She's very attractive. She's slender and athletic, with long shiny blonde hair and thoughtful big blue eyes. She has this infectious laugh when she's happy, but she's also a lot deeper than I initially gave her credit for. "_

 _"_ _but do_ you _find her attractive?"_

 _"_ _Anyone would. She's got that 'all american' model look. She could be on a poster for Gap."_

 _"_ _but do_ you _find her attractive?"_

 _"_ _I don't think I understand the question doctor?"_

Liv was getting slightly frustrated now.

 _"_ _Olivia."_ Dr Lindstrom had his best soothing therapist voice on now. _"Do you feel drawn to Amanda? Do you feel attracted to her?"_

 _"_ _I'm straight."_

 _"_ _I didn't ask how you identified generally. I asked if you have an attraction to this particular woman."_

Olivia exhaled violently. _"I don't know."_ She threw her hands up in the air. She didn't know what answer was going to satisfy the shrink. _"I guess I feel drawn to her at times."_

 _The pale tousled hair shining in the lamplight that night._

 _Her flustered blush the next day in Olivia's office._

 _The cheeky smile in the bar asking Liv about her college exploits._

 _Her head thrown back in laughter at the park._

 _Their hands touching on the picnic rug._

 _Meeting her eyes over the bar table last night._

 _Her wet glowing skin standing over the sink…._

Snapshots of each moment flew through Olivia's mind and her stomach lurched.

 _"_ _but it's not like that's unusual. All women get attracted to other women sometimes. It doesn't make them gay. It's normal. I'm normal."_

 _"_ _but you wouldn't be normal if you acted on the attraction in a romantic way?"_

 _"_ _No. Yes."_

Olivia felt like she was on the witness stand with a particularly nasty defense attorney trying to twist her words. She straightened up and articulated her words clearly. _"Same sex attraction is perfectly normal and natural in a small percentage of the population."_ she frowned. _"why are you so determined to insinuate that I'm gay?"_

 _"_ _why are you so determined that you're not?_

She didn't answer. Dr Lindstom looked at her intently with his therapist stare again.

 _"_ _Olivia. We're always harsher with ourselves than we are with others. We've spoken about this before and about you holding yourself to higher standards than you hold others. It interests me that your first response to discovering your colleague's sexuality was to relate it to brokenness. Even though you saw her enjoying herself with a woman, you saw it as a sign that some kind of trauma had caused her to deviate from a 'normal' sexual attraction to men._

 _Given what we've talked about before, your fears that the circumstances of your conception, your difficult childhood keep you from having healthy romantic relationships with men… I wonder whether if you were attracted to a woman you would shut yourself off from that, whether you would relate it to your own fears of being 'broken' rather than considering it something that is naturally part of you."_ he paused. _"It may be that you have a lot of genuine respect and support for the LGBT community and of other people being gay, but that you would still judge yourself for it."_

 _"_ _internalised homophobia."_ Olivia softly stated the name for what Dr Lindstrom was talking about. She knew all the jargon. She'd worked enough hate crimes where the perp themselves was gay and in some kind of denial. Everyone knew the politicians who spouted anti gay sentiment and then got caught screwing their male employee. But the idea that the concept could apply to her left her reeling.

Dr Lindstrom continued _"It's slowly disappearing now, but in the past there has been a lot of discussion and false statistics around the idea that most lesbians have been assaulted or abused by men. It's medically unsound, and no longer in the mainstream, but even a short time ago it would have been easy to internalise that idea."_

Olivia's mind was racing and she felt her breathing quicken. There wasn't enough air in the room. _When did it get so hot in here?_

 _"_ _Olivia,"_ Dr Lindstrom spoke softly. _"Breathe Olivia."_

Olivia barely heard him. Everything was fuzzy.

 _She is back in the bathroom 12 years ago. Alex is in front of her, noses softly brushing in an eskimo kiss._

 _Alex, Alex, Alex._

 _Alex who drives her crazy, Alex with the impossibly high heels, the impossibly long legs. Alex with the sexy black glasses that Olivia just can't look away from. Alex with the strong and sparkling blue eyes. Alex that can give Olivia butterflies just by Objecting in the courtroom._

 _Alex who perches on her desk in the squad room, who looks her right in the eyes, who matches her passion in an argument._

That _Alex is centimetres away from her and in a state of undress. That Alex is looking into her eyes, is touching her face._

 _That is when Olivia snaps. She has spent so many hours justifying her feelings, rationalising the way she is drawn to the blonde. It was just admiration. The ADA was a formidable woman. Everyone was drawn to her fierce energy. The four years of lies she's told herself all threaten to come undone in a single moment. Olivia pushes roughly out of the bathroom in a panic._

 _She walks up to the bar and orders another beer, she latches on to the first interested man and flirts stupidly. She can see the ADA in the corner of her eye the entire night. She refuses to look at her until the end. She needs to know that Alex has seen. That Alex knows she's straight. As she exits the bar, the man's arm around her waist she finally looks back at Alex._

 _Alex is staring straight at her. Her brow creased._ In hurt? In confusion? _Olivia doesn't know. But it doesn't give her the satisfaction that she thought it would. Part of her feels ill. Outside the bar she pushes the man aside. Jumps in a cab on her own. Goes home and cries herself to sleep. She doesn't know why. Blames the alcohol._

 _"_ _Olivia."_

Dr Lindstrom's voice finally pulled her back into the present.

 _"_ _Olivia we're out of time for today, but I think we've really had an unexpected breakthrough. I strongly urge you to come back and see me again next week."_

Olivia nodded mutely and clumsily reached for her handbag. She walked back to her car on autopilot, unlocked it and sat down. She fumbled but couldn't seem to find the ignition. She sat back and closed her eyes. Slowly a single tear trickled down her cheek.


	9. Chapter 9

Amanda pedalled viciously to the beat of the music, feeling more than hearing the spin instructor imploring the class to push themselves harder. Her thighs burned and she was choking for breath but she determinedly pushed through the pain. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror that lined the front wall behind the teacher and through the haze of pain recognised the crazed glint in her eye.

She wasn't even clear on what she was trying to exhume from her system with frantic exercise… the residual anxiety over whatever was wrong with Olivia… or the intense and somewhat distracting sexual frustration that had been nesting and growing deep inside her for weeks?

Amanda hadn't gotten laid since the journalist on the night that Liv had caught her.

 _Sweet Julia_. She had a twang of guilt at the thought of the pretty journalist. They had ended up back at Amanda's place, after hitting second base in an alley around the corner from the club, and narrowly missing third in the cab. The sex was good, and Julia was nice. She had blushed so sweetly the next morning as she politely collected her things to leave while Amanda was scrambling to make it to work on time. Left her number (and helpfully, her name) on a scrap of paper on Amanda's kitchen counter, annotated with a wink face. Amanda hadn't found it until a day later when her thoughts were already consumed by Olivia and what she had seen. Amanda felt like a bit if an ass for not calling. It wasn't like there was anything wrong with Julia, but _nice_ paled in comparison to _strong-willed and passionate_. That was the problem. Julia paled in comparison to Olivia. _But there is no Olivia. No Olivia in that way anyway._

Amanda tried to remind herself as she pedalled with renewed ferocity, the instructing urging the class to rise in their seats for the final hill.

When Amanda wandered back to the change room, bright red and soaked with sweat she felt a little better. _Is that why everyone goes to spin?_ she wondered to herself with a small smile, glancing at the other ladies reaching into lockers around her.

As she reached for her phone and hit the home button to light up the screen and check for messages she sighed. She may have managed to beat some of the wind out of her libido, but she was still in a twist over what to do about Olivia.

Olivia hadn't come to work at all yesterday. She'd phoned Fin around the time she was due in, and since they had no new pressing cases had said she was taking the rest of the day off. Something about Noah not being well and Lucy needing to leave town. Amanda wasn't sure if Liv had actually been that vague or if that was down to Fin being the messenger. She hadn't wanted to ask too many questions. Now that Fin knew half the story she had to be even more careful not to give him a reason to join the dots and figure out her blossoming feelings for Olivia.

The moment Fin had told her Olivia wasn't coming in her stomach had dropped. She had really begun to believe she must have imagined Liv's level of distress in the pub bathroom, but now that Liv had bailed on work all her anxiety came flooding back. Liv _never_ took a day off work.

in the last 24 hours Amanda had drafted 4 different messages in the notepad of her phone

 _"_ _Hi, missed you at work. everything ok?"_

 _"_ _Hey Liv, hope you're feeling better, must've been bad to keep you at home"_

 _"_ _Hi Olivia, just wanted to check in on you and Noah, Fin said…"_

 _"_ _Hey, hope Noah is feeling better. Let me know if there is anything I can do - my flu shot is up to date. ;) "_

In a moment of endorphin induced clarity, Amanda picked the last one, swiped over it to copy and paste it into messenger and hit send before she could overthink it any more.

She grabbed her towel and was about to head for the showers when she heard her phone beep in her closed locker. She hastily swiped to open again.

 _"_ _thanks - Everything fine. N and I both just a bit under the weather."_

Amanda stared at the screen. Simultaneously abrupt and vague. Was there a reply to that, or was Liv shutting her down? If Liv was shutting her down then surely she wouldn't have replied at all? Or at least waited? Amanda decided to be bold.

 _"_ _Would a delivery of Deli food and a visit from Frannie cheer you guys up?"_

The minute she hit send she regretted it. If Liv was under the weather a boisterous dog probably wasn't what she wanted in her apartment. She quickly typed out a followup

 _"_ _Or maybe not the overenthusiastic dog. But Zillerman's does a mean chicken soup, and I know someone with spare time this afternoon to deliver."_

She almost added a wink face but at the last minute back-pedalled. Keep it simple.

Amanda was leaning up against her locker, wrapped in a towel and staring intently at her phone.

Minutes past and there was nothing back from Olivia. Amanda felt her muscles cooling down and knew she should probably jump in the shower. Reluctantly she closed her phone into her locker and went to the showers. She lathered up fast, not pausing to enjoy the strong jets of warm water, and within minutes was back at her locker. There was a light flashing on her phone.

 _"_ _tempting. but I don't think we're very good company at the moment."_

 _tempting?_ the choice of word spurred Amanda on. At least part of Liv wanted her to come over.

 _"_ _I know what your cooking is like when you are 100%. Consider it an act of community service. You don't have to let me in, but I'll be at your door at 5 with soup unless you expressly order me not to."_

Liv didn't reply until after Amanda was dressed and walking towards the subway. Amanda had just begun to wonder if she had pushed things too far when her phone beeped again.

 _"_ _as a police officer I am inclined to support acts of community service."_

Amanda grinned.


	10. Chapter 10

Olivia opened the door at ten past five hoping desperately that somehow she looked at least slightly less dishevelled than she felt.

She had spent a large part of the afternoon toying with the idea of texting again and "ordering' Rollins to stay away. After lounging for most of the day in sweats without having bothered to bathe, after Amanda's last message she had quickly showered and run around trying to tidy her apartment. Two days worth of dishes had lined the sink. The floor of the lounge was evidence poor Noah had become increasingly stir crazy as the day had progressed when she still hadn't given him much attention. There was an understanding between her and Lucy that Noah should get out of the apartment most days, at least for a short walk, but today she just hadn't been able to collect herself to leave. _Poor little guy isn't used to being stuck in here._ When he got bored of cartoons she had emptied a box of duplo bricks onto the rug and absentmindedly helped him build a fortress. It had been slightly soothing, the feeling of putting something together when she was fighting off the sensation that everything was falling apart. She had retreated into her mind in a way that she hadn't really done since Noah had come into her life.

Yet despite the swathes of time she spent regretting giving Rollins the go ahead to come over, she hadn't been able to bring herself to send a message and put a stop to the soup delivery. Perhaps it was because was genuinely touched that Amanda cared enough to check in on her, or that she didn't know if she could last another 36 hours till work on Monday stuck in her own head without talking to another adult. And then there was the other point… _of everyone I know, Amanda is probably the most likely to know what I'm going through._

So when the doorbell rang, Olivia rushed over and opened it somewhat awkwardly hoping her inner struggle wasn't written clearly all over her face. The moment she saw Amanda's tentative smile she wished she'd spent slightly less time fixing her apartment and more time fixing herself. Olivia was wearing faded blue jeans with a loose dark knit sweater, she'd put a lick of Mascara on her already long lashes at the very last minute but no other makeup, and the ends of her hair were damp. She hadn't given herself more than a glance in the mirror, but having Amanda right in front of her made her conscious of every inch of herself. _fuck, is this sweater even clean?_

 _"_ _hey"_

 _"_ _hi"_

Amanda stood awkwardly on her doorstep. Her hands clasped tightly around a large brown paper bag. After a moment she seemed to collect herself and thrust the bag forward towards Olivia.

 _"_ _Meals on wheels. Fancy meeting you here lieutenant"_

Amanda's grin managed to be both shy and cheeky at the same time. Cheesy as her joke was, Olivia couldn't resist mirroring her smile when she caught Rollin's eye. As Liv reached out and took the bag Amanda took a step back, and it was then that Liv realised that she was blocking her doorway, and she'd never actually clarified that she'd be inviting Amanda inside.

 _"_ _Come in Amanda."_

 _"_ _Are you sure? I don't have to…"_ Amanda spoke in a rush.

 _"_ _don't be silly, I can't leave you out in the cold after you've been so kind as to deliver dinner"_

Olivia stepped back and motioned Amanda inside with her arm.

As Amanda stepped forward to come inside slightly quicker than Olivia expected, she bumped into Olivia's outstretched arm. Olivia felt a jolt in her stomach at the touch.

 _"_ _Sor-"_

Olivia's breath caught on the word, she couldn't seem to find the air to finish.

Thankfully that was the moment Noah wandered around the corner to see what the fuss was about.

 _"_ _Manna!"_ He exclaimed excitedly! He then started looking wildly around. _"Fwannie?"_

Amanda knelt down to give him a hug hello.

 _"_ _hey there honey, no Frannie today I'm afraid. She was real tired so she had to stay home. But don't worry. We'll go back to the park soon and you can play again."_

Noah just stared at Amanda with wide eyes.

 _"_ _but you and I can play if you like"_

Noah slowly nodded, still seeming suspicious of where Amanda might hiding Frannie.

 _"_ _How bout you show Amanda your Duplo castle, and I'll get us some bowls and spoons hey?"_

As Olivia retreated into the kitchen with the bag of Soup she wondered what the hell she had done in awkward situations for the entirety of her adult life before she had a small child on hand to break the ice. If it weren't for Noah they'd probably still be standing in the entranceway. _Or maybe not standing.._ Olivia felt her cheeks flush at the thought of what other positions she and Rollins could have gotten into in the doorway.

 _fuck, this is real._ For all the confusion and angst since she left Dr Lindstrom's office, she was already beginning to taste how empowering it was to actually acknowledge her feelings for what they were. To name them and own them instead of denying and squashing them into unopened compartments of her mind. She exhaled slowly. She hadn't realised how much energy it had taken out of her to push things away. She was still unsure and utterly terrified, but already she felt so much lighter.

With Noah's giggles punctuating the meal and some rather sketchy flightpaths for aeroplane spoons the tension dissipated as quickly as it had risen. Olivia felt herself relaxing into the banter that she and Amanda had had at the park. It was impossible to overthink things with Noah smearing soup on his own face and Amanda's jeans, keeping both of Olivia's hands busy.

Eventually Olivia had to give him a quick bath and put him to bed. By this time Amanda was sitting on the floor in front of the Duplo castle, legs twisted up underneath her and leaning back against the lounge. She looked so comfortable, there wasn't a question of whether she would leave, Noah gave her a hug goodnight, and with a prompt from Liv a rather insincere apology for the soup spill.

 _"_ _Give me about 15 minutes"_ Olivia stage whispered as she backed out of the room, toddler in arms. Amanda didn't say a word, but simply gave Olivia one of her disarming smiles.

When Olivia poked her head back around the door twenty minutes later she saw Amanda tinkering with the Duplo bricks, arranging them into a colour coded pattern. She smiled to herself. A few weeks ago she hadn't really noticed how particular the blonde could be about keeping things in order, but it was one of the little idiosyncrasies that Olivia had begun to pay attention to. One might question if Amanda's paperwork was up to date, but it would always be impeccably organised on her desk.

 _Do you want a glass of wine, or a beer?"_

Amanda jumped slightly at Olivia's voice, and it was apparent that she had been lost in thought.

 _"Sure, ummm what're you having?"_

 _"Depends, whats in that cake box in your bag of deli delights?"_

Amanda grinned up at her.

 _"you didn't look already?"_

Olivia shook her head

 _"well, I wasn't really sure what you liked, so there is a slice of Tiramisu and a slice of chocolate mud cake. Their Tiramisu is amazing but not everybody likes Tiramisu and everybody likes Mud cake…"_

Amanda seemed to realise she was rambling and a blush crept into her cheeks. Olivia liked this softer more vulnerable side to Amanda. Her swagger on the job was hot, but seeing her so nervous was… _cute._

 _"I_ am _someone who likes Tiramisu. But I also love mud cake. How bout I grab a bottle of Red and plate them both up and we can flip a coin for who gets which?"_

When Olivia returned with the bottle of wine and cakes Amanda had moved up onto the couch, where she had resumed her position with folded legs, leaning back.

Olivia handed her a glass and sat down at the other side of the couch. _"cheers"_

 _"cheers"_ Amanda raised her glass in Olivia's direction and took a sip.

 _"so which cake is it going to be?"_ Amanda looked at Olivia playfully.

 _"ahhhhh… I can't decide."_ Olivia took another sip of wine. _"I was serious about the coin flip."_

Amanda thrust her hips upward from her sitting position so her hand could reach into her pocket, and fished around for a coin. Olivia tried to avert her gaze, but couldn't help staring at the pale strip of skin that had become visible above the waistband of Amanda's jeans as her t-shirt rode up slightly on her toned stomach.

 _"aahh I know there is a coin here somewhere… yep, got it. You flipping or am I?_

Amanda looked up at Olivia expectantly and Olivia's brain seemed to completely disconnect from her mouth.

 _Ahhhhhhhhh._ Somehow the amiable banter of dinner had fizzled and the awkward tension was rising again. Olivia's stomach flipped and she suddenly had the thought that if she smashed her glass against the table it might wake Noah up to save her from herself.

Olivia took a large swig of wine and collected herself. _"you do it"_

 _"Okay, heads I get Tiramisu, tails you do."_

Amanda flipped the coin up, and caught it neatly in her palm before slapping it onto her opposite hand. _"Tails"_

Amanda leant forwards and picked up the Tiramisu and a fork and passed it to Olivia.

 _"All yours lieutenant."_

Olivia wasn't sure if she was imagining it or if there was something suggestive about the way her title rolled off Amanda's tongue. She sensed herself getting warmer, yet wiggling out of her sweater felt like it would make the situation worse instead of better.

 _"I feel bad, you have some too."_

She stretched her arm with the plate back out towards Rollins.

 _"I know your game, you just want some of my mud cake!"_

Nevertheless Amanda enthusiastically dug her fork into the Tiramisu. _"Looks like we're sharing then"_

They had a moment of silence as they both dug into both cakes.

 _"Mmmmmm"_ Olivia involuntarily let out a moan after a particularly satisfying piece of chocolate mud cake. Mortified, she scrunched her eyes shut and cringed.

Amanda let out a laugh. _"I told you it was good."_

Olivia sheepishly reached for her wine glass and drained it before topping up both their glasses.

Amanda took a sip of her wine and seemed to be about to say something, but caught herself. She sat there thoughtfully playing with the stem of her glass with her pale fingers. Olivia watched her, Mesmerised by the slight sway in her long hair that fell over her shoulders and the movement of her fingers.

 _"what were you going to say?"_

Amanda looked up.

" _Nothing…"_

Olivia met her gaze openly, her eyes questioning. Amanda swallowed.

 _"Well, I… I was worried you seemed really upset in the bathrooms at the pub, I thought perhaps I'd done something wrong. Then when you weren't at work yesterday…"_ she trailed off.

Olivia tipped her head back against the couch and sighed before leaning forward again.

 _"No, Amanda it wasn't you. It was… I was… I wasn't feeling well, I think the long week and the wine…"_

She paused, and Amanda waited. After a moment she continued.

 _"it was a weird deja vu moment actually. You reminded me a lot of a friend I used to have and it caught me off guard."_

Olivia was toying with her fork now, scratching at the remains of the Tiramisu and avoiding eye contact with Amanda.

 _"What happened?"_

 _"Sorry?"_ Olivia was confused for a moment. She hadn't said anything had happened with the friend in the bathroom. _Fuck, Was she that obvious?_

 _"you used past tense, I meant what happened to your friend?"_

 _"Oh… She died. Everything changed after that."_

 _Then she came back to life._ Something made Olivia decide not to elaborate on Alex's stint in witness protection.

 _"Fuck, I'm sorry. Were you close?"_

 _"Yes, well, yes and no. we had a complicated relationship."_

 _Complicated, Like I was hopelessly in love with her from the moment we met and not capable of admitting it. Complicated, like we fought like cat and dog yet somehow became friends. Complicated, like even if I had have been brave enough to admit it she is straight anyway._

 _Yep, complicated was a good word for her and Alex._

Olivia realised she'd segued into her own world, and that Amanda was looking at her inquisitively.

 _"We worked together, and hung out a bit."_ she took another mouthful of wine. She was finally starting to feel the buzz. _"my shrink thinks I was probably in love with her."_

 _Oh god. where did that come from?_ Olivia wondered if she was more intoxicated than she realised. Technically it wasn't even true. She hadn't mentioned Alex to Dr Lindstrom. But that was what he meant, that she'd had feelings for women before.

She looked up at Amanda. She could bet that whatever Amanda had been expecting, it wasn't that level of candidness. Amanda didn't say anything, and Olivia wasn't sure if she'd rendered the blonde lost for words, or if Amanda was craftily employing the interview tactic of staying silent when the interviewee started to open up.

" _How did you know?"_ Olivia finally made eye contact with Amanda again. _"That you liked women I mean. That it wasn't just a friend thing, or just a weird admiration thing?"_

Now it was Amanda's turn to take a gulp of wine. " _Fuck. I don't know. Got drunk in college and hooked up with a girl and liked it I guess."_

 _"that easy"_ Olivia laughed, tinged slightly with an emotion she couldn't quite place.

 _"I guess I'm just not that much of a deep thinker."_

Olivia shook her head. " _I didn't think I was either. I kissed girls in college but never went any further. Then its always been guys… but Dr Lindstrom thinks I'm repressing things."_

 _"Are you?"_ Amanda's big blue eyes looked at her earnestly.

 _"Maybe. Probably."_ Now it was Olivia's turn to play with her wine glass. _"I just keep thinking Fuck, how can I be that stupid, I'm fucking 50 and realising this now?"_ She met Amanda's eyes.

" _you're not stupid."_ Olivia suddenly felt Amanda's hand squeeze her leg comfortingly. She shivered.

 _"I am"_

 _"No."_ Amanda spoke with absolute certainty. She reached out and softly swept a couple of tendrils of hair off Olivia's face. Olivia's skin tingled where Amanda's pale fingers made contact with her skin. She was suddenly a lot closer than she had been.

Before she knew what she was doing Olivia leant forward, lips connecting with Amanda's.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N .Thanks so much for the reviews guys! I know my lack of regularity posting is prob frustrating some of you… I wish I had more time to give you what you want! I've been working a 50 hour week between 2 jobs since June (pretty much when you got the last update) and struggling to keep up with life in general. Writing this is a guilty pleasure and with some schedule changes I hope the coming month will have a few more opportunities to indulge and finally finish this story! please know that I am definitely still committed to bringing this to a satisfying end (all puns intended).

…

Perhaps it was her slight tipsiness or perhaps the emotional intimacy that had built up through their conversation, but Amanda wasn't as shocked as she probably should have been to feel Olivia's lips brush up against hers. Soft and full, they grazed her mouth tentatively. Amanda sharply inhaled a mixture of chocolate, red wine and the older woman's perfume she gently pressed back returning the kiss.

Amanda was giddy as they caressed each others mouths delicately at first, then with growing heat. After a minute she couldn't resist running her tongue nimbly along Olivia's bottom lip and was rewarded by the feeling of Olivia's mouth parting slightly. As the kiss deepened Olivia naturally slid backwards on the lounge and Amanda found herself on top of her, propping herself up with one hand on the arm of the lounge and the other on the edge of the cushion. Even though Amanda was on top, without use of her arms it left much of the control over the moment with Olivia.

Amanda's felt her abdominals contract as one of Olivia's hands began to trail along her side. Heat was rising in her groin, every moment more intoxicating than the one before.

Eventually Amanda had to pull herself upwards to gasp for air. Both women were panting and Amanda dared to look down to meet Olivia's eyes. Her expression was hard to read. A small smile played at her lips, but her eyes were wide as if she had shocked even herself by initiating the kiss.

Before Olivia could have a chance to rethink their current position, Amanda lowered her head again and gently connected their lips again. Olivia seemed to pause for a heartbeat, then kissed her back with renewed intensity. Amanda felt one hand brush her cheek as another curled around her waist. She began to lose balance, and lightly dropped her body down on to Olivia's. A bolt of adrenaline ran through Amanda at the moment of contact. Every part of Olivia's body turned her on; soft ample breasts, the sensual curve of her waist, the firm shape of her hips. Olivia was all woman and Amanda was on fire.

A shrill ringing noise cut through the room. It took a moment for it to penetrate Amanda"s lust hazed brain. _Fuck, Olivia's work phone._

Amanda sprang back on her knees and felt Olivia squirm between her legs trying to reach the phone on the side table.

 _"_ _Benson"_

Amanda could have almost laughed at the visible effort the lieutenant was going to to secure her ragged breathing. She was pretty sure she could hear Fin's voice on the other end of the phone.

Olivia hit speaker and sat the phone on the coffee table next to her empty wine glass. She obviously knew that the further the phone was from her face the more chance she had to calm her body without Fin guessing what he might have interrupted.

 _"_ _you ok Liv?"_

 _"_ _Yeah, was just in with Noah and had to scramble for the phone. What's up?"_

Amanda knew that Fin and Carisi were on call tonight… only something serious would prompt them to call Olivia. _There goes my evening…_

 _"_ _Rape and Homicide. We just ran the girl's name from her ID, she's engaged to the Mayor's son. You can bet Brass is going to be all over this within the next hour, thought you should know."_

 _"_ _Thanks Fin. Shit, I should get down there."_ Olivia's eyes flicked towards Noah's room, Amanda could read her dilemma… what to do with Noah if she went out to the scene.

 _"_ _I'll stay with Noah"_ Amanda mouthed at her. Olivia's brow creased.

Fin spoke again _"I'd rather you be the one talking to Dodds and the Mayor, but what are you going to do with the little guy?"_

Amanda nodded furiously at Olivia, who mouthed _'thank you'_ back.

 _"_ _Fin, text me the address. Mrs Andretti downstairs owes me a favour, I'm sure she can come up and use my cable box for a few hours. I'll be leaving in 10."_

 _"_ _Ok, great. Shall I call Rollins in too?"_

 _"_ _umm, you've got Carisi with you already?"_

 _"_ _Yeah"_

 _"_ _Hold off on Rollins. I have a feeling this one will be all hands on deck, but might work in our favour if she's coming in fresh in the morning."_

Olivia hung up on Fin and turned somewhat awkwardly to Amanda. She seemed not quite to know what to say. After a lengthy moment she spoke softly.

 _"_ _Sorry Amanda."_

She traced a single finger softly over the back of Amanda's hand and then sat a few seconds longer before getting to her feet and disappearing into her bedroom, presumably to change.

Amanda sat still on the couch, her mind in overdrive. How was it that mere minutes ago every nerve ending in her body was tingling at the touch of Olivia, and now she was shivering alone on the couch unsure of exactly what Olivia was apologising for. The logical, optimistic part of her mind told her she was apologising for needing to leave. The insecure and pessimistic part of her mind had detected something in Olivia's voice. Was she apologising for leaving, or apologising for kissing her at all? She and Olivia both knew what the job entailed, and that Olivia didn't need to apologise that some socialite got murdered on their turf on a Saturday night.

Amanda was so caught up in her thoughts it felt like mere moments later that Olivia reemerged, suit on and hair brushed back into a ponytail. She didn't make eye contact with Amanda and she collected her bag, keys and phone from around the room.

 _"_ _Noah shouldn't wake, but if he does you can give him some warm milk, maybe read a story till he dozes back off. His blue cup is on the drying rack - half full and 30 seconds in the microwave."_

She pulled her shoes on. Amanda couldn't help but watch her.

 _"_ _You know how to use the TV? Feel free to put on a film, I think I have a netflix subscription as part of my cable that I never use."_

She finally looked up at Amanda.

 _"_ _Thanks for doing this Amanda, I really appreciate it. Hopefully I'll only be a couple of hours, not sure how much we will be able to do tonight… I imagine it will be more damage control with the brass and the media."_

Amanda nodded. The many things she wanted to say caught in her throat.

…

It was almost 2am before Olivia and Fin walked out of the station together. Olivia was dead on her feet. After securing the crime scene and making sure uniform had all the evidence on it's way to the lab, she had ended up in a car with Chief Dodds to do the notification to the victims family in a spacious Upper East Side apartment.

The victim had last been seen getting into a cab after dinner with her girlfriends at an exclusive restaurant, and the attack seemed almost random. Putting Olivia in a cab back to the station Dodds had given her very strict instructions to handle it discreetly - focus on footage and finding the cab driver for the night and start asking friends and family for interviews in the morning.

" _Waking up half the upper East Side is going to create a circus that isn't going to get us any closer to the killer. I don't need to tell you that absolutely everything in your investigation has to be by the book. Work closely with the DA's office on this. "_

 _"_ _Yes, Chief. Has someone briefed Barba already?"_

 _"_ _The DA tells me that ADA Barba is currently on vacation. His urgent cases are being split around the DA's office. Given the nature of the case the DA has assured me they will assign someone senior, whoever draws the short straw will be in touch with you tomorrow morning to touch base."_

Olivia had nodded wearily at Dodds before bidding him goodbye.

The rest of the night had been a blur. She was going through the motions of getting the case started, but every now and then she caught the taste of Amanda on her lips and completely lost her train of thought.

Now, heading back to her car, she realised she had to face Amanda again. Her stomach flipped at the thought.

She honestly didn't know whether she wanted to rush home and jump on top of Amanda to continue what they had started, or run for the hills and never see her petit blonde colleague again. She could feel her cheeks heat up just thinking about the kiss. She hadn't kissed someone like that since … _god, I don't even know when._

Olivia spun the wheel and edged her car out into the sparse traffic of the early hours. She strummed the wheel absentmindedly as she wove between cars. It wasn't that she hadn't done her fair share of kissing in the last few years. She thought about Cassidy, her last serious relationship. Kissing him had been sometimes sweet, sometimes dutiful, mostly enjoyable, but never _hot._ Wherever her sessions with Dr Lindstrom led her, she surmised, the kiss had sealed the suspicion that whatever the hell she was, she wasn't straight. Surely kissing a woman didn't feel the that if you were straight. She did indulge herself a bitter chuckle, as she wondered whether in another time and place, with less internal walls broken down she might have made the opposite argument to herself.

She had reached her apartment by now, but stayed sitting in her car spot. While she may have officially decided to stop fighting the idea of being sexually attracted to a woman, it still didn't solve her problem of what to do about Rollins. _Amanda._ Despite the tumultuousness of the last few days, Olivia was still older and wiser than the rookie detective who had jumped into bed with Cassidy all those years ago. The 48 hours from the pub bathroom to kissing Amanda on her couch were a hormone-induced, midlife-crisis level blur of emotion and attraction, but getting called into work had grounded her. Her attraction to Amanda was stronger than ever, but she was acutely aware of their status, not merely as colleagues, but with the petite blonde as her subordinate. _What the fuck am I doing?_ Could they take an unequal footing at work and create and equal relationship? _Is that what I even want with Amanda, a relationship?_

Olivia yawned and massaged her temples. That was the crux of it essentially. She didn't know what she wanted from the enigmatic southerner. _A hot fuck? a relationship? … God, a family?_ While the good judgement that had gotten her to the Lieutenants rank had been known to falter occasionally in her personal life, deep down she knew that she needed to be sure of what she wanted before she took things any further with Amanda. It wasn't that she was now entirely adverse to dating at work, but she had to proceed with caution. the last thing she needed was a sexual harassment suit on her hands. _And whatever else this is, i like her, as a person. I owe it to her to figure my shit out._

As the elevator transported her upstairs Olivia firmed her resolve. No touching, she would brief Amanda on the case and then offer her a choice between the guest room or going home. _Easy._

All sensible thoughts went out the window as she walked into her living room and saw the sleeping blonde detective on her couch. Amanda was sprawled out haphazardly, limbs askew and hair fanning out over the cushion tucked behind her. There was a blanket slumped beside her on the floor, and her shirt had ridden up revealing an expanse of pale bare stomach. She was adorable.

The TV hummed softly, and Olivia suspected that Amanda hadn't meant to fall asleep, but she was glad that she had. Amanda would need to be alert in the morning. Olivia slipped off her shoes and put her bag down. She didn't know what to do. Amanda was obviously quite deeply asleep, she hadn't stirred at all at Olivia's presence. On the one hand Olivia's instinct was to cover her back over and let her sleep, but then Amanda would probably be sore in the morning, and may wake later and not realise Olivia was home.

Olivia bent over Amanda and stroked her hair gently. _"Amanda?"_ Even through the exhaustion she felt, there was still a tingle at the touch. _"Amanda honey, wake up."_


	12. Chapter 12

As she stepped out of the Bodega and lifted her arm to signal to Fin across the street, Amanda couldn't suppress a long yawn. A few hours of restless sleep on Olivia's couch wasn't nearly sufficient to fuel a full day of canvassing for witnesses on the street.

Fin shook his head and laughed as he crossed over to join her.

 _"Do I even wanna know what you were doing last night? And Liv didn't want to call you in so you'd be fresh today."_

Amanda gave him a mock scolding look, _"what are you talking about, I'm always fresh"_

 _"Well fresh doesn't seem like it'll do any good around here anyway, no ones seen nothin' or heard nothin' or got any decent CCTV coverage of the street."_

 _"Best I got was that last place, they do have a camera that takes in the street but the guy on shift doesn't have access. I've got a number for the owner. Don't know that that angle is going to give us anything but I guess it's worth a try."_

They'd spent the last couple of hours going up and down the streets in a 2 block radius of the alley where the victims body had been found and gotten no leads from any residents or store owners.

Amanda looked up and down the street and squinted her eyes as if to try and see something that she hadn't already. _"We're missing something."_

Fin pulled out his cell _"you get that bodega owner on the phone and I'll check in with Benson."_

Amanda unruffled the scrap of paper with the number on it and silently processed her relief that she wasn't the one tasked with calling Olivia. The excitement, despair and confusion that had been alternately consuming her thoughts that morning had slowly given way to a sinking feeling of awkwardness.

Olivia had been nothing but polite when she had gently roused Amanda from sleep at 3am that morning, and offered her the spare room. There had been something different though, something closed off in her eyes. The logical voice in Amanda's head kept insisting that with her and Olivia both in such a state of exhaustion she couldn't possibly make a meaningful observation. But deep down Amanda feared that Olivia regretted their kiss. _Fuck, it was more than a kiss, their make out session._

And what kind of boss would a regretful Olivia be?

Amanda hadn't waited around to find out. Citing Frannie's bowel movements as a reason to go home, she had gathered her things quite quickly and scampered. How could she possibly get a wink of sleep in Olivia's spare room, knowing Liv was lying in her bed just behind the wall, after everything that had happened earlier in the evening? Not that she had gotten any sleep at home either. After tossing and turning so much that Frannie indignantly left the bed she had given up on sleep entirely and taken her grumpy dog for an early run.

She couldn't stop reliving every moment, every sensation on the couch. How delicious Liv's body felt pressed underneath her, the taste of her breath, the-

Amanda's lapse into daydream as she dialed was cut short as the owner answered.

 _"Is that Mr Ortiz? It's Detective Amanda Rollins from Manhattan Special Victims Unit, I need to arrange access to your CCTV."_

An hour and a half later Amanda and Fin walked into a deserted squad room, CCTV tapes from the Bodega in hand.

Fin looked around. _"I thought Olivia and Carisi would be back by now, when I spoke to her they were just arriving at the last friend from the group our victim had dinner with"_

Amanda caught a flicker of movement in Olivia's office and motioned to Fin. As she drew closer to the doorway, she saw a tall blonde woman leaning up against Liv's desk, one of Liv's framed pictures of Noah in her hand. She was looking down at the picture so intently she hadn't yet observed Rollins and Fin.

 _"Cabot! Hell, what brings you down here after all this time?"_ Fin's voice boomed out from behind Amanda before she had a chance to recognise the statuesque Attorney. EADA Alexandra Cabot had prosecuted a couple of cases for SVU back when Amanda had first joined the unit, but she hadn't worked with them in nigh on four years. When the woman abruptly looked up there was no mistaking the piercing blue eyes framed by distinctive black glasses, it was indeed Alex Cabot.

 _"Detective Tutuola, charming as ever."_

There was mirth in her eyes, and she didn't look back down while she casually slid the photo frame back onto Olivia's desk as if she hadn't just been studying it so closely.

 _"Someone has to sort out your murdered socialite while Barba is on a yacht in the Med. DA decided it should be me."_

 _"Nice to see you again."_ Amanda nodded. She cringed a little realising that she sounded oddly formal after Fin's familiar greeting.

 _"So where are we?"_ Nevermind, Cabot was straight to business.

 _"Rich white girl gets in a cab outside an hot new restaurant in the Meatpacking district for what should be a direct ride home to the Upper East Side, instead she's found an hour and a half later in an alley in Spanish Harlem."_ Fin shook his head.

 _"She told all her friends she was going home, and no one knew of any connection she had to anyone or anything on that side of town."_ Olivia's voice took them all by surprise.

Amanda stepped sideways to open the conversation to Olivia and Carisi who had materialised behind her and Fin. Olivia nodded at Cabot in greeting, the grimace that Amanda could only presume came from the fruitlessness of their search thus far, not leaving her face.

Cabot pursed her lips. _"So, we're looking at a nasty cab driver or this girl had a secret."_

She scooped up the briefcase that had been sitting on the floor at her feet. _"I know I don't need to tell you how much scrutiny we're going to get for this. Any potential witness that doesn't cooperate I am more than prepared to prosecute for obstruction, let me know if you need any warrants for CCTV etc. And I need updates, even if they're useless. DA is breathing down my neck."_

 _"Of course"._ Olivia replied briskly.

With a nod at the group, Cabot walked towards the door.

 _"Counselor, one more thing"_ Cabot turned around and Olivia quickly moved toward her, as if to accompany her out. Amanda couldn't hear the next words spoken as both women turned their backs on her, Fin and Carisi and continued to the hallway.

 _"So no luck then?"_ Fin looked at Carisi

 _"All either hysterical with grief, or worshipped the Vic like a saint. Apparently she never said a bad word, never went below 92nd street and never wore shoes that cost less than $300."_ he said rolling his eyes.

Amanda was only half listening as she tried to subtly crane her head and follow Liv's retreating figure with her eyes. Suddenly, Liv was striding back across the office toward them again. Amanda couldn't avert her gaze fast enough and blushed furiously as Liv's eyes connected directly with hers.

.

.

.

The words had popped out involuntarily. _"Counselor, one more thing"_

 _Since when do I call Alex 'Counselor' anyway?_ Olivia didn't know exactly what she wanted to say, but her instincts prevented her from letting Alex just show up out of the blue and then march straight out of her office again. Besides their long history as colleagues they had also been friends, and quite good ones by Olivia's standards.

As Olivia reached Alex, the blonde looked at her expectantly. Her bright blue eyes were unnerving, and Olivia took a sharp breath trying to think on her feet.

 _"the family were a bit reluctant to hand over electronics belonging to the victim. I wanted your advice, obviously we need to keep them on side, but if she really was keeping things from her family and friends those devices could be our only clues."_ Olivia congratulated herself on thinking of such such a coherent and realistic point to consult Alex on.

 _"Mmmm," the_ attorney frowned. Olivia admired the sleek cut of her suit and new slightly larger glasses frames. Age was treating Alex well. _"Obviously we don't want to antagonise them with a warrant. I know what these families are like, it's all about saving face and they'll be terrified of something that shows the victim in a bad light, or makes it look like she brought it on herself. Try again with a soft approach, reinforce her victimhood and that you're not looking for anything she did wrong, If that doesn't work let me know."_

They had reached the elevators now. Alex pushed the button.

 _"I'll keep you posted."_ Olivia paused. _"it's nice to see you Alex."_

Alex looked down for a moment, before looking back up at her, seeming slightly embarrassed.

" _you too Liv. Sorry I haven't…"_

At that moment the elevator opened, and the chatter emanating from the almost full lift swallowed the rest of Alex's sentence. A moment later she was gone.

Olivia turned and strode back to her team. At least now she knew where the twist in the pit of her stomach came from every time she saw the ADA. An echo of former times, there had been a lone butterfly fluttering about somewhere in the pit of her stomach since the moment she had walked into the station and heard Alex's distinctive voice talking to Fin and Rollins. She shook her head. Perhaps now that she was finally sorting things out within herself, she'd be able to renew her friendship with Alex without the weird tension that used to constantly hover between them. Surely she was married by now, or had some smug stockbroker boyfriend. Olivia had a small pang at that thought but it didn't even register, as she rounded the corner and looked up she looked dead into Amanda's enquiring eyes.

 _Shit._

Olivia felt herself go red. Thoughts of one blonde immediately leaving her head as she was hit by the full impact of the mess she was in with the blonde in front of her.

Reflexively she went into hyper professional mode to cope.

 _"Right guys",_ she hoped they didn't register the small shake in her voice. " _Cabot is right about this case, and until we can rule one out, we need to continue both lines our enquiries. Fin, Rollins; you keep trying to track the cab driver, Carisi and I will go back to the family and see if they will grant us access to any more of her personal belongings."_

She turned to Carisi. _"Can you go over what we have so far, while I give the mother a heads up we'll be back?"_

She reached one hand out to the door indicating she would be closing it, and waited for her team to shuffle out. Finally alone, she sank into her chair. She was shattered hardly having slept, which couldn't be helping her ability to think logically. She thought nostalgically of when she could just have another coffee and keep going after pulling an all nighter… _that's the difference between 35 and 45._

That thought immediately brought her back to why she hadn't slept, which was nothing to do with the case and everything to do with the petite southern detective. It was no use trying not to think about it, _all roads lead to Amanda._

Olivia had found it impossible to sleep after seeing the blonde out of her apartment. Her thoughts had ricocheted from wanting to ask Rollins to put in for a transfer somewhere she'd never have to see her again, to wanting to ask her out for dinner. Nothing made sense.

Olivia reached out and straightened her favourite picture of her and Noah on her desk. Someone must have bumped it, as it was sitting slightly askew.

Then there was the reappearance of Alex. Somewhat ironic timing considering the flashbacks she'd been having. _Is the universe trying to tell me something?_

If anything, Alex was a glaring reminder of everything she'd done wrong in the past. Every impulse she'd denied, every falsehood she'd embraced as truth and everything she might have missed as a result.

Struggling against the sensation of being overwhelmed, Olivia took a deep breath and tried to centre herself using Dr Lindstrom's techniques. _Don't waste energy on regret; channel it towards embracing the future._ Alex was the symbol of a past she couldn't change.

 _So basically, I should think about how old Olivia behaved and do the opposite?_

She mulled this over for a moment. In that case, she knew exactly what her next move should be.


End file.
